You’ve met someone you really like and ended up in bed together. You think it’s going great, but they’re hard to read.
Do they like what you’re doing? Do they want to try something different? What’s off-limits to them that you should know about?
Similarly, you’d like to talk about some things you like and don’t like, but you’re not sure how to raise the topic.
That’s where a Yes / No / Maybe List (also known as a sexual inventory or boundaries checklist) comes in.
It’s a tool that helps you start a conversation about your sexual preferences.
Although it was originally developed for the BDSM community, it’s been adopted into the mainstream because it’s just so darn useful.
It helps you organize sexual activities into ones you want to try, ones you don’t want to try, and ones you might try under certain circumstances.
There are many variations of the list.
This one by Scarleteen is simple, comprehensive, and easy to print and share.
This one by KNKI goes into much more depth. It’s done online. You share the link with your partner.
Asking your partner to do the list with you doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just say:
I haven’t ever talked to you about what you like in bed. It’s important to me to know what you’re into and what you’re not into, so that it always feels good to you. I found this list that helps people talk about it. Want to try it together and compare notes?
Here’s a super-basic example to get you started.
1. Touch & Physical Boundaries
Affection (holding hands, hugging, kissing): Yes / No / Maybe
Being touched without asking first: Yes / No / Maybe
Being touched in public: Yes / No / Maybe
Being seen naked (lights on / off): Yes / No / Maybe
Spending the night together at your house: Yes / No / Maybe
Spending the night together at my house: Yes / No / Maybe
Eye contact during intimacy: Yes / No / Maybe
You commenting on my body: Yes / No / Maybe
Off-limits areas of my body:
Things that make me feel safe in my body:
2. Emotional Safety & Communication
Talking openly about sex: Yes / No / Maybe
Sharing desires or fantasies: Yes / No / Maybe
Talking about our sexual histories: Yes / No / Maybe
Talking during sex : Yes / No / Maybe
Talking after sex (aftercare, reassurance, closeness): Yes / No / Maybe
Giving feedback: Yes / No / Maybe
What helps me feel emotionally safe:
What shuts me down or triggers me:
How I’ll let you know I want to stop:
3. Relationship Structure
Monogamy: Yes / No / Maybe
Open or non-exclusive relationships: Yes / No / Maybe
Talking about our sex life to others: Yes / No / Maybe
My values around relationships:
4. Safety & Protection
STI testing before intimacy: Yes / No / Maybe
Using condoms: Yes / No / Maybe
Using birth control: Yes / No / Maybe
Using alcohol or substances before sex: Yes / No / Maybe
My boundaries around safety:
The conversation I need to have around pregnancy risk:
5. Sexual Activities
Kissing (closed-mouth / open-mouth): Yes / No / Maybe
Touching over clothing: Yes / No / Maybe
Touching under clothing: Yes / No / Maybe
Manual stimulation: Yes / No / Maybe
You performing oral on me: Yes / No / Maybe
Me performing oral on you: Yes / No / Maybe
Penetration: Yes / No / Maybe
You using toys/accessories on me: Yes / No / Maybe
Me using toys/accessories on you: Yes / No / Maybe
I’m comfortable taking the lead: Yes / No / Maybe
I’m comfortable when you take the lead: Yes / No / Maybe
Gentle, slow-pace: Yes / No / Maybe
More intense or rough touch: Yes / No / Maybe
Light physical restraint: Yes / No / Maybe
Other things I’m curious about:
What I need if things don’t go “perfectly”:
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